Best Seinfeld Quotes

Today I would like to share with you some of the best quotes from the best comedy show of all times.

Jerry on socks: The dryer is their only chance to escape and they all know it. They plan it in the hamper the night before. "Tomorrow, the dryer. I'm going."
The Seinfeld Chronicles

George: We have to talk.
Jerry: The four worst words in the English language.
George: Either that, or, "Whose bra is this?
Male Unbonding

Jerry on Uncle Leo: He's always grabbing my arm when he talks to me. I guess it's because so many people have left in the middle of his conversation.
The Pony Remark

Jerry: So go to a clinic, get your sperm county checked.
Kramer: Yeah, but then I'd have to - you know - into a cup in the middle of the day!
Elaine: Does that conflict with your regular schedule?

Elaine to Jerry: You know, just when I think you're the shallowest man I know, you somehow manage to drain a little bit more out of the pool.
The Implant

Jerry: Sometimes the road less travelled is less travelled for a reason.
The Baby Shower

Girlfriend's Brother: You double dipped a chip! Next time, just take one dip, and end it!!
The Implant

Elaine: You know what your problem is? Your standards are too high.
Jerry: I went out with you.
Elaine: That's because my standards are too low.
The Fix-Up

Kramer: These pretzels are making me thirsty.
The Alternate Side

Newman: Jerry, I'm a little insulted.
Jerry: You're not a little anything, Newman.
The Label Maker

Jerry: I hate rental cars. Nothing ever works. The window doesn't work, the radio doesn't work... and it smells like a cheap hooker... Or is that you?
Elaine: Gimme ten bucks and find out.
The Airport

Jerry: All right. How 'bout this one: let's say you're abducted by aliens.
George: Fine.
Jerry: They haul you aboard the mother ship, take you back to their planet as a curiosity. Now: would you rather be in their zoo, or their circus?
George: I gotta go zoo. I feel like I could set more of my own schedule.
Jerry: But in the circus you get to ride around in the train, see the whole planet!
George: I'm wearing a little hat, I'm jumping through fire.. They're putting their little alien heads in my mouth...
Jerry: At least it's show business...
George: But in the zoo, you know, they might, put a woman in there with me to, uh... you know, get me to mate.
Jerry: What if she's got no interest in you?
George: Then I'm pretty much where I am now. At least I got to take a ride on a spaceship.
The Bizarro Jerry

Jerry: She had man hands.
Elaine: Man hands?
Jerry: The hands of a man. It's like a creature out of Greek Mythology, I mean, she was like part woman, part horrible beast.
Elaine: Would you prefer it if she had no hands at all?
Jerry: Would she have hooks?
The Bizarro Jerry

George: You met her at the supermarket? How did you do that?
Jerry: Produce section. Very provocative area. A lot of melons and shapes. Everyone's squeezing and smelling.
The Junior Mint

Elaine: You know, men can sit through the most boring movie if there's even the slightest possibility that a woman will take her top off.
George: So what's your point?
The Movie

George: What kind of a person are you?
Jerry: I think I'm pretty much like you, only successful.
The Old Man

Jerry: What's the matter?
Elaine: I was having lunch and I bit down on the fork.
Jerry: Boy, it's hard to believe with so much biting experience a person could still make a mistake like that.
The Non-Fat Yogurt

Jerry: Look Elaine, the black and white cookie. I love the black and white. Two races of flavour living side by side in harmony. It's a wonderful thing, isn't it?
Elaine: You know, I often wonder what you'll be like when you're senile.
Jerry: I'm looking forward to it.
The Dinner Party

Jerry: You left the lock open or the door open?
Kramer: The door. You have insurance, don't you?
Jerry: No, I spent it on the lock. It has only one flaw: The door must be closed!

Jerry: So you're never gonna have sex again?
George: Well, Jerry. There was a pretty good chance I was never gonna have sex again anyway.
The Abstinence

Jerry: Oh, you're crazy.
Kramer: Am I? Or am I so sane that you just blew your mind?

Jerry: Elaine, the guy's Jewish two days, he's already making Jewish jokes.
Elaine: So what? When someone turns twenty-one, they usually get drunk the first night.
Jerry: Booze is not a religion.
Elaine: Tell that to my father.
The Yada Yada

Jerry: I wanted to talk to you about Dr. Whatley. I have a suspicion that he's converted to Judaism just for the jokes.
Father: And this offends you as a Jewish person.
Jerry: No, it offends me as a comedian.
The Yada Yada

Kramer: You think that dentists are so different from me and you? They came to this country just like everybody else, in search of a dream.
Jerry: Kramer, he's just a dentist.
Kramer: Yeah, and you're an anti-dentite.
Jerry: I am not an anti-dentite!
Kramer: You're a rabid anti-dentite! Oh, it starts with a few jokes and some slurs. "Hey, denty!" Next thing you know you're saying they should have their own schools.
Jerry: They do have their own schools!
The Yada Yada

Jerry: She's a virgin, she just told me.
Elaine: Well I didn't know.
Jerry: Well it's not like spotting a toupee.
Elaine: Well you think I should say something? Should I say something? Should I apologize? Was I being anti-virgin?
The Virgin

Elaine: Look, Marla. This whole sex thing is totally overrated. Now, here's the one thing you've gotta be ready for is how the man changes into a completely different person five seconds after it's over. I mean, something happens to their personality it's really quite astounding. It's like they committed a crime and they want to flee the scene before the police get there.
Marla: So they just leave?
Elaine: Yeah, pretty much, yeah. Well, the smart ones start working on their getaway stories during dinner. How, you know, they gotta get up early tomorrow. What is about being up early? They all turn into farmers suddenly.
Marla: Wow. It must be pretty good to put up with all that.
Elaine: Eh.
The Virgin

George: There's gotta be more to life than this. What gives you pleasure?
Jerry: Listening to you. I listen to this for fifteen minutes and I'm on top of the world. Your misery is my pleasure.
The Old Man