Wednesday, 5 December 2007
Single - Do what you want when you want no questions asked.
Married - Never do what you want without 20 questions who,where,why etc etc.
Single - You can play the field with a different women each week.
Married - You can only fool around with one women for the rest of your life.
Single - You can have endless hours of fun and excitement.
Married - What is fun and excitement.
Going Out Again
Single - You can go places couples cant.
Married - You can go to where singles cant.
Single - You can spend as much time as you want with your friends.
Married - You dont have any friends they are all single and out with there single friends.
Single - You dont have to improve your appearence.
Married - She insists on changing you.
Doing things you want to do
Single - There is nothing to hold you back.
Married - She tells you what you can and cant do.
Single - There is no moaning.
Married - its all moan moan bloody moan.
Thursday, 30 August 2007
Saturday, 25 August 2007
I have seen this great video which was made by CPDRC (Filippo) inmates.. It is totally amazing:
and here comes the Indian version:
Thriller with legos:
We’ve all heard about people having guts or balls. But do you really know the difference between them? In an effort to keep you informed, the definition for each is listed below…
Guts is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being met by your wife with a broom, and having the guts to ask: “Are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?”
Balls is coming home late after a night out with the guys, smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the butt and having the balls to say: “You’re next.”I hope this clears up any confusion on the definitions. Medically speaking, there is no difference in the outcome since both ultimately result in death
Friday, 27 July 2007
She says English
We need I want
It's your decision The correct decision should be
obvious by now
Do what you want You'll pay for this later
We need to talk I need to complain
Sure...go ahead I don't want you to.
I'm not upset Of course I'm upset, you moron.
You're...so manly You need a shave and you sweat
You're certainly attentive tonight. Is sex all you ever think about?
I'm not emotional! And I'm not I have PMS.
Be romantic, turn out the lights. I have flabby thighs.
This kitchen is so inconvenient. I want a new house.
I want new curtains and carpeting, furniture, wallpaper...
Hang the picture there No, I mean hang it there!
I heard a noise I noticed you were almost asleep.
Do you love me? I'm going to ask for something
How much do you love me? I did something today you're
really not going to like...
I'll be ready in a minute. Kick off your shoes and find a
good game on T.V.
Is my butt fat? Tell me I'm beautiful.
You have to learn to communicate. Just agree with me.
Are you listening to me!? [Too late, your dead.]
I'm sorry. You'll be sorry.
Do you like this recipe? It's easy to fix, so you'd
better get get used to it.
I'm not yelling! Yes I am yelling because I
think this is important.
In answer to the question "What's wrong?"
The same old thing. Nothing.
Everything. My PMS is acting up.
Nothing, really. It's just that you're such a jerk.
I don't want to talk about it. Go away, I'm still building up
evidence against you.
Jerry on socks: The dryer is their only chance to escape and they all know it. They plan it in the hamper the night before. "Tomorrow, the dryer. I'm going."
The Seinfeld Chronicles
George: We have to talk.
Jerry: The four worst words in the English language.
George: Either that, or, "Whose bra is this?
Jerry on Uncle Leo: He's always grabbing my arm when he talks to me. I guess it's because so many people have left in the middle of his conversation.
The Pony Remark
Jerry: So go to a clinic, get your sperm county checked.
Kramer: Yeah, but then I'd have to - you know - into a cup in the middle of the day!
Elaine: Does that conflict with your regular schedule?
Elaine to Jerry: You know, just when I think you're the shallowest man I know, you somehow manage to drain a little bit more out of the pool.
Jerry: Sometimes the road less travelled is less travelled for a reason.
The Baby Shower
Girlfriend's Brother: You double dipped a chip! Next time, just take one dip, and end it!!
Elaine: You know what your problem is? Your standards are too high.
Jerry: I went out with you.
Elaine: That's because my standards are too low.
Kramer: These pretzels are making me thirsty.
The Alternate Side
Newman: Jerry, I'm a little insulted.
Jerry: You're not a little anything, Newman.
The Label Maker
Jerry: I hate rental cars. Nothing ever works. The window doesn't work, the radio doesn't work... and it smells like a cheap hooker... Or is that you?
Elaine: Gimme ten bucks and find out.
Jerry: All right. How 'bout this one: let's say you're abducted by aliens.
Jerry: They haul you aboard the mother ship, take you back to their planet as a curiosity. Now: would you rather be in their zoo, or their circus?
George: I gotta go zoo. I feel like I could set more of my own schedule.
Jerry: But in the circus you get to ride around in the train, see the whole planet!
George: I'm wearing a little hat, I'm jumping through fire.. They're putting their little alien heads in my mouth...
Jerry: At least it's show business...
George: But in the zoo, you know, they might, put a woman in there with me to, uh... you know, get me to mate.
Jerry: What if she's got no interest in you?
George: Then I'm pretty much where I am now. At least I got to take a ride on a spaceship.
The Bizarro Jerry
Jerry: She had man hands.
Elaine: Man hands?
Jerry: The hands of a man. It's like a creature out of Greek Mythology, I mean, she was like part woman, part horrible beast.
Elaine: Would you prefer it if she had no hands at all?
Jerry: Would she have hooks?
The Bizarro Jerry
George: You met her at the supermarket? How did you do that?
Jerry: Produce section. Very provocative area. A lot of melons and shapes. Everyone's squeezing and smelling.
The Junior Mint
Elaine: You know, men can sit through the most boring movie if there's even the slightest possibility that a woman will take her top off.
George: So what's your point?
George: What kind of a person are you?
Jerry: I think I'm pretty much like you, only successful.
The Old Man
Jerry: What's the matter?
Elaine: I was having lunch and I bit down on the fork.
Jerry: Boy, it's hard to believe with so much biting experience a person could still make a mistake like that.
The Non-Fat Yogurt
Jerry: Look Elaine, the black and white cookie. I love the black and white. Two races of flavour living side by side in harmony. It's a wonderful thing, isn't it?
Elaine: You know, I often wonder what you'll be like when you're senile.
Jerry: I'm looking forward to it.
The Dinner Party
Jerry: You left the lock open or the door open?
Kramer: The door. You have insurance, don't you?
Jerry: No, I spent it on the lock. It has only one flaw: The door must be closed!
Jerry: So you're never gonna have sex again?
George: Well, Jerry. There was a pretty good chance I was never gonna have sex again anyway.
Jerry: Oh, you're crazy.
Kramer: Am I? Or am I so sane that you just blew your mind?
Jerry: Elaine, the guy's Jewish two days, he's already making Jewish jokes.
Elaine: So what? When someone turns twenty-one, they usually get drunk the first night.
Jerry: Booze is not a religion.
Elaine: Tell that to my father.
The Yada Yada
Jerry: I wanted to talk to you about Dr. Whatley. I have a suspicion that he's converted to Judaism just for the jokes.
Father: And this offends you as a Jewish person.
Jerry: No, it offends me as a comedian.
The Yada Yada
Kramer: You think that dentists are so different from me and you? They came to this country just like everybody else, in search of a dream.
Jerry: Kramer, he's just a dentist.
Kramer: Yeah, and you're an anti-dentite.
Jerry: I am not an anti-dentite!
Kramer: You're a rabid anti-dentite! Oh, it starts with a few jokes and some slurs. "Hey, denty!" Next thing you know you're saying they should have their own schools.
Jerry: They do have their own schools!
The Yada Yada
Jerry: She's a virgin, she just told me.
Elaine: Well I didn't know.
Jerry: Well it's not like spotting a toupee.
Elaine: Well you think I should say something? Should I say something? Should I apologize? Was I being anti-virgin?
Elaine: Look, Marla. This whole sex thing is totally overrated. Now, here's the one thing you've gotta be ready for is how the man changes into a completely different person five seconds after it's over. I mean, something happens to their personality it's really quite astounding. It's like they committed a crime and they want to flee the scene before the police get there.
Marla: So they just leave?
Elaine: Yeah, pretty much, yeah. Well, the smart ones start working on their getaway stories during dinner. How, you know, they gotta get up early tomorrow. What is about being up early? They all turn into farmers suddenly.
Marla: Wow. It must be pretty good to put up with all that.
George: There's gotta be more to life than this. What gives you pleasure?
Jerry: Listening to you. I listen to this for fifteen minutes and I'm on top of the world. Your misery is my pleasure.
The Old Man
Thursday, 26 July 2007
Although many of the factors affecting self confidence are beyond your control, there are a number of things you can consciously do to build self confidence. By using these 10 strategies you can get the mental edge you need to reach your potential.
1. Dress Sharp
Although clothes don’t make the man, they certainly affect the way he feels about himself. No one is more conscious of your physical appearance than you are. When you don’t look good, it changes the way you carry yourself and interact with other people. Use this to your advantage by taking care of your personal appearance. In most cases, significant improvements can be made by bathing and shaving frequently, wearing clean clothes, and being cognizant of the latest styles.
This doesn’t mean you need to spend a lot on clothes. One great rule to follow is “spend twice as much, buy half as much”. Rather than buying a bunch of cheap clothes, buy half as many select, high quality items. In long run this decreases spending because expensive clothes wear out less easily and stay in style longer than cheap clothes. Buying less also helps reduce the clutter in your closet.
2. Walk Faster
One of the easiest ways to tell how a person feels about herself is to examine her walk. Is it slow? tired? painful? Or is it energetic and purposeful? People with confidence walk quickly. They have places to go, people to see, and important work to do. Even if you aren’t in a hurry, you can increase your self confidence by putting some pep in your step. Walking 25% faster will make to you look and feel more important.
3. Good Posture
Similarly, the way a person carries herself tells a story. People with slumped shoulders and lethargic movements display a lack of self confidence. They aren’t enthusiastic about what they’re doing and they don’t consider themselves important. By practicing good posture, you’ll automatically feel more confident. Stand up straight, keep your head up, and make eye contact. You’ll make a positive impression on others and instantly feel more alert and empowered.
4. Personal Commercial
One of the best ways to build confidence is listening to a motivational speech. Unfortunately, opportunities to listen to a great speaker are few and far between. You can fill this need by creating a personal commercial. Write a 30-60 second speech that highlights your strengths and goals. Then recite it in front of the mirror aloud (or inside your head if you prefer) whenever you need a confidence boost.
When you focus too much on what you want, the mind creates reasons why you can’t have it. This leads you to dwell on your weaknesses. The best way to avoid this is consciously focusing on gratitude. Set aside time each day to mentally list everything you have to be grateful for. Recall your past successes, unique skills, loving relationships, and positive momentum. You’ll be amazed how much you have going for you and motivated to take that next step towards success.
6. Compliment other people
When we think negatively about ourselves, we often project that feeling on to others in the form of insults and gossip. To break this cycle of negativity, get in the habit of praising other people. Refuse to engage in backstabbing gossip and make an effort to compliment those around you. In the process, you’ll become well liked and build self confidence. By looking for the best in others, you indirectly bring out the best in yourself.
7. Sit in the front row
In schools, offices, and public assemblies around the world, people constantly strive to sit at the back of the room. Most people prefer the back because they’re afraid of being noticed. This reflects a lack of self confidence. By deciding to sit in the front row, you can get over this irrational fear and build your self confidence. You’ll also be more visible to the important people talking from the front of the room.
8. Speak up
During group discussions many people never speak up because they’re afraid that people will judge them for saying something stupid. This fear isn’t really justified. Generally, people are much more accepting than we imagine. In fact most people are dealing with the exact same fears. By making an effort to speak up at least once in every group discussion, you’ll become a better public speaker, more confident in your own thoughts, and recognized as a leader by your peers.
9. Work out
Along the same lines as personal appearance, physical fitness has a huge effect on self confidence. If you’re out of shape, you’ll feel insecure, unattractive, and less energetic. By working out, you improve your physcial appearance, energize yourself, and accomplish something positive. Having the discipline to work out not only makes you feel better, it creates positive momentum that you can build on the rest of the day.
10. Focus on contribution
Too often we get caught up in our own desires. We focus too much on ourselves and not enough on the needs of other people. If you stop thinking about yourself and concentrate on the contribution you’re making to the rest of the world, you won’t worry as much about you own flaws. This will increase self confidence and allow you to contribute with maximum efficiency. The more you contribute to the world the more you’ll be rewarded with personal success and recognition.
Saturday, 23 June 2007
*Talc is found on rocks and on babies.
*The law of gravity says it's not fair jumping up without coming back down.
*When they broke open molecules, they found they were only stuffed with atoms. But when they broke open atoms, they found them stuffed with explosions.
*Rainbows are just to look at, not to really understand.
*While the earth seems to be knowingly keeping its distance from the sun, it is really only centrificating.
*Someday we may discover how to make magnets that can point in any direction.
*South America has cold summers and hot winters, but somehow they still manage.
*Most books now say our sun is a star. But it still knows how to change back into a sun in the daytime.
*A vibration is a motion that cannot make up its mind which way it wants to go.
*There are 26 vitamins in all, but some of the letters are yet to be discovered. Finding them all means living forever.
*There is a tremendous weight pushing down on the center of the Earth because of so much population
stomping around up there these days.
*Lime is a green-tasting rock.
*Many dead animals in the past changed to fossils while others preferred to be oil.
*Genetics explain why you look like your father and if you don't why you should.
*Vacuums are nothings. We only mention them to let them know we know they're there.
*Some oxygen molecules help fires burn while others help make water, so sometimes it's brother against brother.
*Some people can tell what time it is by looking at the sun. But I have never been able to make out the numbers.
*We say the cause of perfume disappearing is evaporation. Evaporation gets blamed for a lot of things people forget to put the top on.
*In looking at a drop of water under a microscope, we find there are twice as many H's as O's.
*Clouds just keep circling the earth around and around. And around. There is not much else to do.
*Water vapor gets together in a cloud. When it is big enough to be called a drop, it does.
*We keep track of the humidity in the air so we won't drown when we breathe.
*Rain is often known as soft water, oppositely known as hail.
*In some rocks you can find the fossil footprints of fishes.
*A blizzard is when it snows sideways.
*A monsoon is a French gentleman.
*Thunder is a rich source of loudness.
*Isotherms and isobars are even more important than their names sound.
*It is so hot in some places that the people there have to live in other places.
*The wind is like the air, only pushier.
Thursday, 21 June 2007
Excerpts from a Dog's Diary
- 8:00 am - Dog food! My favorite thing!
- 9:30 am - A car ride! My favorite thing!
- 9:40 am - A walk in the park! My favorite thing!
- 10:30 am - Got rubbed and petted! My favorite thing!
- 12:00 pm - Lunch! My favorite thing!
- 1:00 pm - Played in the yard! My favorite thing!
- 3:00 pm - Wagged my tail! My favorite thing!
- 5:00 pm - Milk bones! My favorite thing!
- 7:00 pm - Got to play ball! My favorite thing!
- 8:00 pm - Wow! Watched TV with the people! My favorite thing!
- 11:00 pm - Sleeping on the bed! My favorite thing!
Excerpts from a Cat's Diary
Day 983 of my captivity.
My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects.
They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while the other inmates and I are fed hash or some sort of dry nuggets. Although I make my contempt for the rations perfectly clear, I nevertheless must eat something in order to keep up my strength. The only thing that keeps me going is my dream of escape.
In an attempt to disgust them, I once again vomit on the carpet.
Today I decapitated a mouse and dropped its headless body at their feet. I had hoped this would strike fear into their hearts, since it clearly demonstrates what I am capable of. However, they merely made condescending comments about what a "good little hunter" I am. Bastards!
There was some sort of assembly of their accomplices tonight. I was placed in solitary confinement for the duration of the event. However, I could hear the noises and smell the food. I overheard that my confinement was due to the power of "allergies." I must learn what this means, and how to use it to my advantage.
Today I was almost successful in an attempt to assassinate one of my tormentors by weaving around his feet as he was walking. I must try this again tomorrow --but at the top of the stairs.
I am convinced that the other prisoners here are flunkies and snitches.
The dog receives special privileges. He is regularly released - and seems to be more than willing to return. He is obviously retarded.
The bird has got to be an informant. I observe him communicate with the guards regularly. I am certain that he reports my every move. My captors have arranged protective custody for him in an elevated cell, so he is safe. For now . . .
Wednesday, 20 June 2007
Spotted in Ephesus, Turkey.
Also spotted in Ephesus. "Hey, are those real fake watches?"
Saturday, 16 June 2007
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